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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/26139442">Things left unsaid</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/shiro_with_blueberries/pseuds/shiro_with_blueberries'>shiro_with_blueberries</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>A3! (Video Game)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Angst, M/M, One-Shot, Suffering, Unrequited Love, just pain, not a happy ending i'm so sorry, teletubbies pls don't hate me, yeah its not pretty, you know what im not tagging more</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-08-27</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-08-27</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-06 10:33:40</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Not Rated</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>2,512</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/26139442</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/shiro_with_blueberries/pseuds/shiro_with_blueberries</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Tsuzuru and Kazunari love each other, but never knew it was requited. </p><p>TW: If you don't like unsolved and not happy endings, please don't read this!</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Minagi Tsuzuru/Miyoshi Kazunari</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>15</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>27</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>Things left unsaid</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span>I left things unsaid since the very moment we met. I could have told you how you actually caught my attention, because I couldn't figure out how could I have ignored you until then when we had been going to the same high school. Why I didn’t fall for those eyes before, is something I will always ask myself. And my mouth spoke by itself. And it sadly wasn't about your eyes. I only could offer a single band-aid, which would leave me attached to you forever. And, I didn't know; I wonder what would I have done if I knew. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>You changed my life. You didn't do much on purpose, it was just my guts burning with desire every time you got close, every time you said my name. You didn't actually say it. Ever. It felt like a forbidden word. I kept myself from saying yours, too. Just in case. I knew what I was preventing myself from, but I wouldn't have much to worry about soon. I could sober up when you were gone. It was routine, having those eyes in my life was what kept my cage closed. Or so did I think. I remained inside even if the door was open. I kept longing, asking my rational self why it was you and not someone else. I didn't ever find an answer, and I promise it has taken more time of my life than anything else. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>I didn't want to feel like this. I felt bad for feeling like this. You didn't want it, and what I wanted the most was for you to beg for it. How childish. How selfish. You didn't treat me any differently, you didn't dream of touching my hand as I did, you just wanted to have your own path away from mine. I even wondered if you cared enough to think like that. But I condemned myself when I forced our ways to cross once more. I dug my own grave only to see your face again once more on my routine, to close the cage door again, to fall hard and not survive this time. And, with that, paved your way right to someone who seemed to deserve you. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>I found myself being childish once more. Why did he have what I didn't? Why was it so easy for him? Why was I desperate for this to happen for so long, and he got it so fast? Why not me? Why not me? I wanted to hate him. I wanted to hate you. And I couldn't. I could only just hate myself. Fake smile on my face, I found it unbearable to be in the same room as you. What face of yours did he get to see that I couldn't? How did you behave when no one else was looking? Why couldn't I know? I was drowning in jealousy and self-hatred. I couldn't find my way to the shallows. But there was this one guiding hand who finally came back after a time that wasn't apparently not that long. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>I found it difficult to love him while you were still there. I tried not to see your eyes in his. I tried to feel happy and not sad when he held my hand. But I learnt to have genuine feelings for him. And it only took seconds with you. I tried not to think much about it. You didn't seem to care much. You were happy about it. That made me feel like the worst person on Earth, because I still couldn't manage to feel happy for you when I saw you loving someone else. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>I kept leaving things unsaid. I hoped my body would tell those instead, but a book is useless if no one wants to read it. And he made me happy. And I said yes to his proposal. And everyone was happy, and I was, too. Very. What a bright life that was waiting for me, with a caring man, someone who would hold my hand just in time before the fall. And you were there on that day that would chase me till the end. And I heard from someone that you broke up with him. I didn't let it get through me, because I would be done if I did. I just sadly smiled. I felt bad for you, and something else that I would leave unsaid even to my own mind. I had enough of hurting myself. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>But in that moment he raised his glass and said loving words to me, ones which desired everlasting feelings, you went outside. Suddenly, and once again, I only had eyes for you. No one else in that room mattered as much. I waited for it to end, kissed my husband on his lips, and ran towards yours. It was quiet outside, only distant hustle and bustle, and muffled sobs. He was there. He looked at me, smiled, and left. There was only you and me. You were crying so much, crawled on the floor, and seemed to not be able to stop. Only seeing you like this felt like a wave on me. An unmeasurable wave. It broke everything I built. My whole life was a bad joke, something so fragile it could be broken with a single glance from you. But why were you even crying? Why? </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>...</span>
</p><p>
  <span>..</span>
</p><p>
  <span>.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Because I left so many things unsaid. I always try to say what people want to hear, and I wasn't gonna risk it and tell you something that would tear us apart. You see, I couldn't help but remember the moment we met every time I looked at your face. You saved me. You always told me I exaggerated with that, but you really saved me. From everything, from my own flammable thoughts, from my solitude. The emptiness of my chest was suddenly filled with only one look from his eyes. You saved me from every single thought that was rambling around my head just in time. And I knew I couldn't let you go. I couldn't step too close, either.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Acting was something I had to get used to. It wouldn't be difficult to hide all of those overflowing feelings I had for you. That was what I thought. They kept growing and growing, like roots on my chest that made my heart go faster and my thoughts bloom back to you, always. I wanted you so much I didn't want to let a single inch show. You would be overwhelmed if that happened, because opening a crack in my feelings would surely end up with falls flooding everything, including you. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>But ever since we met, it has always been the same. We fight, we figure it out, and back at square one. Over and over again. I thought you hated me but I knew you cared. It was just like putting a bandaid on a cut as deep as the world itself. Why was it so deep, anyways? I knew. Things left unsaid. They made everything so difficult, so unbearable. But I couldn't just say them out loud. It wasn't as easy as that. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Until someone showed me it could really be that easy. It felt like a breeze which guided me through that labyrinth I decided to be trapped in myself. I didn't say no. I loved him, dearly, deeply, and everyone could see, unlike what happened with you since, for some reason, I couldn't just show. So I was happy. I smiled all the time; I was finally free and had someone who loved me by my side. What else could I ask for? </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Maybe to not fall for you all over again every single time I was in the same room as you, even if your light somehow didn't burn like it used to. I didn't understand, but I could feel it. I knew it, since I looked at you all the time. You weren't fooling me with that mask. I know well how they work. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>When your inspiration himself went back into your life, I felt something missing inside of me, too. I did my best, even if I could feel tears fighting to fall from my eyes every time I smiled in front of you. Everything was shattered. I couldn't hide it from him, either. I had to eventually face the fact that it wasn't fair for him. He wasn't one of our band-aids, he was someone I dearly loved, just not the way I wanted it to be. Because I wanted it. Those feelings for you weighed like stones on my chest, but I couldn't help but cling on to them. And he knew. And he understood. I was so lucky to have him with me, and that tortured me even more. He deserved my feelings, but they were all yours. And you were with another person, and never loved me back. I could do nothing but pity myself. I tried to bury my own feelings so hard I got used to failing. And then, I got that invitation. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>I was so glad he was there all the time, holding my hand when needed, offering me his smiles. I didn't get why I accepted, because I knew I would feel sick, and I would tremble, and I would want to go out, but seeing your face was worth it, seeing your smile once again. Your light remained nowhere to be seen, though. No one else seemed to notice. But I was fine, nothing I wasn’t used to bear with. Until he rose his glass to say loving words to you, in front of everyone. Something I could never do. And he could, and not me. Everything ended there, and I got it then. You would be his, forever. I had no place in your heart anymore. I never did. I could never earn it. I felt suffocated, I needed to go out or I would break in front of you, and I’d rather remain those things unsaid. So I fled, like I always did, and he came with me. I wasn't looking for anything, only to go as far from you as I could. Breathing the same air as you burned my chest and made my eyes feel itchy. Before I knew, I was crying so hard I thought my guts would come out of my mouth, and I couldn't stop. I was crying words I never told you during years of loving you more than anyone else.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>I didn't expect you to come, because I didn't expect you to notice. But there were we, alone, outside your wedding with someone else, while I was crying because I couldn't bear with the idea of definitely losing you. You knew me, you knew how to comfort me, so you gave me a hug, and put my head on your shoulder, and caressed the back of my head. For the first time, that didn't make me feel any better. It just made me want to cry harder. I knew nothing about you was remotely mine. Everything was just an illusion, because your warmth was temporary, the feeling of your hands touching me would end any minute and never come back, your breath against my hair would only remain as a vivid memory too. Even if I knew all of that, I still grabbed the jacket of your suit so hard I thought I would break it. It was also wet from my never ending tears. Maybe I just wanted something mine to be yours so bad, since I couldn't manage to get something from you. Band-aids didn't count this time. I wanted everything. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>What I didn't really want nor expect was to feel you shaking while holding me. I opened my eyes in confusion, and I heard a supposedly silent sob, but we were so close I could even hear your unsteady heartbeats as if they sounded inside my head. I didn't know when you started to cling on to me, too. I tried to look at your face, but you were holding me so tight I couldn't move an inch. The sobs became less silent. I didn't stop crying either. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>That moment, it suddenly hit me. A light that always was inside of me was finally lit. I heard every single thing you didn't tell me since we met, and you did the same. All those feelings, mine and yours, filled every inch of me, and they, of course, flooded me, you, and everything. I didn't know how to make them come out of me, of us. I could only just move my hands to your back. Helplessness made me strongly clench my teeth. I would scream if I didn't. Why did it have to be like that? </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>"You can't do this to me... not now..." </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>I was the worst. I was an awful person. This was your day, where you had to be the happiest. I couldn't release you and I didn't want to be released. What was left for us? Nothing could be changed now. We couldn't go back, we couldn't say what we most wanted to hear, because it would be the thing that would hurt the most, too. I felt like just melting into tears, crying forever in your arms, not going back and faking nothing happened or that we didn't know. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>How did you feel, then? Did you want to change the past, too? Were you also wishing for the possibility of not going back inside? Of staying with me? Going away? Going back? How back would you want to go if you did? I didn't want to think about it. Nothing was possible. You just married someone you loved, even if your tears were only for me. Good thing was, I finally got something yours to hold on to. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>I didn't know why we didn't do this, ever. Words remained unsaid forever. We knew, and we decided to ignore it, and kept going. My eyes were dry even if the only thing I wanted to do from that day on was cry, because I couldn't do anything, and wanted to, but didn't want to at the same time, because you were supposed to be happy. And I didn't want to ruin it. I hope I didn't. I wanted your light on, but it wasn't, and I couldn't do anything about it even if I had the power once. No one could fix it now.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>I tried to forget in vain. Burn the memories, erase them completely, replace them. That would be my objective for years and years, trying to get used to the absence of your eyes in my life. Maybe you were trying too, while dealing with a pointless marriage and feeling your bed empty at nights because I wasn't there. I didn't want that. I want your happiness, I can swear I would give mine to you if I had any left. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>But I can't hide the fact that what kept me going was the idea of you longing for me too. </span>
</p><p> </p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Haha yes you can blame Hamilton and Rory for this (follow her on Twitter @/PurisuRisu and enjoy her fluff drawings while I give you pain. This was fueled by her angsty ideas, tho). I hope you enjoyed reading it! You can let me know on the comments or leaving kudos. Thank you so much for reading! </p><p>As usual I have to thank my beta bc they're amazing and help me a lot ;; love ya!</p><p>This one's for you, fellow tzkz teletubbies!</p></blockquote></div></div>
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